Contemplating (human) childlessness

I’ve been waiting to want (human) children since I first sensed that I was supposed to want children–since I was a child. For the past thirty years, I have expected a desperate maternal instinct to come over me.

More recently, I have been waiting for a sense of security or clarity to make parenthood seem plausible suddenly.

But for some reason, year after year, I don’t feel “ready.” The love, friendship, and sense of family I share with my husband gets stronger, but our desire to have children remains abstract–fuzzy at best.

There is always another goal, another ambition, another animal to help. Another project to pursue, something new to build–something better than before. And every year, the years seem shorter, and we become more frantic in pursuing something more.

Sometimes the thing that keeps us alive is the fancy of flight, the thought that one day we might pack it up and move South or West. It’s the fleeting sense of freedom we have standing in the kitchen at night, daydreaming about becoming better versions of ourselves, be it big shots, bike mechanics, teachers, or vet technicians. Those sweet, sweet moments we spend imagining what could be next.

I’m terrified of losing the freedom to want more–or less.

Everyone says there is never a good time to have children. They may be right. Maybe this is who I will be. The animal advocate, aunt, and wife, who never grew up but likewise never grew old? The creative, the free spirit, the half of a couple that said, “let’s start by taking care of each other and animals that need us, and see where that takes us.”

Should we choose to skirt the honor and obligations of children, let’s be obliged all the more to make the world a better place for the animals we share it with. Let’s be compelled to take chances, champion our causes explore and evolve, and keep our roots strong but shallow in the ground. Let's “let our yes be our yes and our no be our no’ when we want to try, try again, save it, scrap it, start over, or reinvent.

Let’s care for those who already need us instead of creating someone who will. Let's put all of our life and love into making this world a better and more equitable place for all pets and the people who love them.